The world of business emails is full of false and well-meaning ways and suggestions. ONEMAN will not do anything he does not understand.
At work, you're with colleagues, not with close friends. The emails you exchange are usually serious or seemingly serious, or both, and simple, so as not to appear to have been sent by a bot (have you seen 'Her'?), as if it were a joke or you're playing it a little relaxed and funny. Most of the time, you're not relaxed or funny and you're exposing yourself.
As is the case in other aspects of our daily lives, namely in dating, what we say in work emails is different from what we think at the time we say it. The difference with dating is that the well-rounded lies of these emails will logically not hurt anyone.
Furthermore, Mary, we never felt friendly after the 'Friendly, Mary' that we see every time at the end of your emails. And do you know why? Because you don't see us as friendly. You don't see us in general.
Enough. ONEMAN sheds light on small, everyday allegories of work emails, so that we can understand each other.
“I await your suggestions”: “You are a bunch of uninspired employees and this is the perfect opportunity to expose you.”
“We'll talk about the rest in person”: “Kittens…”
“I'm also adding Mrs. Giannopoulou to the contact to help you with the details”: “She's been busy with the event and her guests. And she's an old maid. And she smells like spinach pie. Good luck.”
“I apologize in advance for the long message”: “ Read the ENTIRETY, because the magic with these bullets and numbering has been driving me crazy for an hour”
“Following our communication”: “It's Monday and I don't remember what we sent on Friday. Lies, I remember that I DON'T CARE AT ALL what we sent.”
“We remain at your disposal for any clarification”: “One by one, guys, let's not throw away Gmail too”
“Hahahahahahaha”: “……”
“Thank you in advance for posting”: (A subtle appeal to the recipient’s philotimo) “This certainty will eat us up”
“Thank you” (zero exclamation points): “I want the Scythe to come through and mow you all down as you sit in line in front of your computers”
“Thank you very much!” (an exclamation point): “Thank you”
“Thank you so much!!” (two exclamation points): “I remember you from that event at Balthazar, you were cute in that jacket, but put on a few kilos, my child.”
“Thank you very much!!!” (three exclamation points): “Find me on Badoo”.
“OK” (plain): “Next time you won't be so lucky”
“Thank you very much for your cooperation”: “My fiancé checks everything I send. And he asked me about you. And I told him that you are not seen”
“Hahahahahahaha”: “……”
“I am sending you the following for internal use”: “No, it is not a selfie from the beach. Old man. Meow.”
“We really liked your work, but…”: “We didn’t like your work.”
“Please contact me as soon as possible”: “Stop what you’re doing, which is talking to chicks on Facebook, and call me. And let’s both know that you’ll never make me yours.”
“Perfect! It was exactly what we wanted”: “What are you doing tomorrow night?”
“Kind reminder”: “Wake up! Animals…”
“Hahahahahahaha”: “I'll sober up, where will it go…”
“If you need anything else, let me know”: “You don't need to have founded MENSA to understand what I wrote to you, but damn, did I listen to my mother telling me to find a rich man and have children with him? I didn't listen to her.”
“I know I'm 'sucking' you right now, but…”: “:) Life is unfair, I'm sorry :)”
"Thanks, I'll owe you": "In an hour I won't even remember your little one."
"See you later": "I've been having sex since the five-day trip to Faliraki and last Saturday I turned 27."
Source: oneman.gr
